Self Love
I contemplated even writing this blog or even opening up about this part of my life because our world is a judgement world even when people are dealing with the same exact thing. I wanted to wait and express this in May or October but lately this has been weighing heavily on my heart and I know only three people will read this entire thing and those three are probably family members but in the off chance a stranger reads this I want it to help them!!
I want to start out by saying what you see on the outside IS NOT what is going on on the inside. For years i have struggled with Trichotillomania. (also referred to as “hair-pulling disorder,” is a mental disorder classified under Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders and involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull hair from the scalp, eyebrows, eyelids, and other areas of the body.) Trichotillomania can come as a symptom or sign of depression and anxiety along with a lot of other underlying issues and it affects the nervous system. Trichotillomania started for me when i was in elementary school and is still ongoing. My mom use to tell me "stop plucking or it wont grow back" and for me i was pulling my eyebrows and eyelashes out. I would go to school and at least one person would notice it and I would just make up some dumb excuse. I think one excuse was that i cinched them off at a campfire. I just lived with it. I would try the break a habit in 30 days but it never really worked. Fast forward to 2015, I started pulling out the hair ON MY HEAD. I never really thought about it, i just thought it was because i had a baby. I always heard the old wives tale that your beauty goes to shit after having a daughter hahaha. My mom had seen what was happening and advised me to get my thyroid checked because hair loss is common in thyroid issues. So we moved to New Mexico, I got my thyroid checked TWICE and both times it came back normal. So i then asked to get my hormones checked because i wasn't sure if that was because of out of whack hormones but the doctor refused to check them because apparently hormone levels are never the same.
Fast forward to 2020, I'm still pulling my hair out, eyebrows, and eyelashes and this dang Pandemic happens. Being stuck at home wasn't an issue for me because I LOVE being at home. But actually having friends and not being able to hang out with them it took a toll on me. Then October 2020, I literally went into a depression coma and my anxiety was off the charts and i was not me. On the outside i was smiling, laughing, being normal but on the inside i was dying, i didn't want to be present. But being a mom you don't want your kids to see what is going on on the inside. But my depression led me to post my feelings on facebook and cost me my best friend. Having depression and anxiety isn't something most people walk around and talk about freely. I mean shit i barely just told my husband of ten years, my mom and sisters what's been happening in my life. But after that following out with my friend, it lead me to do more research on depression and anxiety. My facebook suggested posts kept coming up with ads of Trichotillomania so i bit and did more research on it and everything listed was me to a T and i learned that its actually very common. Doing the research has made me reflect on my life and what could have triggered the depression and anxiety and let me tell you as a kid it was BULLYING!!!! Yes sweet little ol' me was bullied! Well how were you bullied and why did it traumatize you is what you may be thinking and well let me just telling you!
-6th grade I would always wear my hair curly and one day someone threw worms in my hair at recess and they all fell out when i was in class.
-6th grade, invited to stay the night with a girl, she made a msn messenger for me to turn around and act like me to where older girls were following me, threatening me, and being mean to me.
-6th grade, I was invited to a sleepover birthday party. The day of party was fine then the next day the group of girls ganged up on me and STONED me with walnuts. I was just invited so they could be mean to me
-6th grade i had a huge mole on the side of my face and a boy decided to repeatedly stabbed it with a lead pencil
I want to start out by saying what you see on the outside IS NOT what is going on on the inside. For years i have struggled with Trichotillomania. (also referred to as “hair-pulling disorder,” is a mental disorder classified under Obsessive-Compulsive and Related Disorders and involves recurrent, irresistible urges to pull hair from the scalp, eyebrows, eyelids, and other areas of the body.) Trichotillomania can come as a symptom or sign of depression and anxiety along with a lot of other underlying issues and it affects the nervous system. Trichotillomania started for me when i was in elementary school and is still ongoing. My mom use to tell me "stop plucking or it wont grow back" and for me i was pulling my eyebrows and eyelashes out. I would go to school and at least one person would notice it and I would just make up some dumb excuse. I think one excuse was that i cinched them off at a campfire. I just lived with it. I would try the break a habit in 30 days but it never really worked. Fast forward to 2015, I started pulling out the hair ON MY HEAD. I never really thought about it, i just thought it was because i had a baby. I always heard the old wives tale that your beauty goes to shit after having a daughter hahaha. My mom had seen what was happening and advised me to get my thyroid checked because hair loss is common in thyroid issues. So we moved to New Mexico, I got my thyroid checked TWICE and both times it came back normal. So i then asked to get my hormones checked because i wasn't sure if that was because of out of whack hormones but the doctor refused to check them because apparently hormone levels are never the same.
Fast forward to 2020, I'm still pulling my hair out, eyebrows, and eyelashes and this dang Pandemic happens. Being stuck at home wasn't an issue for me because I LOVE being at home. But actually having friends and not being able to hang out with them it took a toll on me. Then October 2020, I literally went into a depression coma and my anxiety was off the charts and i was not me. On the outside i was smiling, laughing, being normal but on the inside i was dying, i didn't want to be present. But being a mom you don't want your kids to see what is going on on the inside. But my depression led me to post my feelings on facebook and cost me my best friend. Having depression and anxiety isn't something most people walk around and talk about freely. I mean shit i barely just told my husband of ten years, my mom and sisters what's been happening in my life. But after that following out with my friend, it lead me to do more research on depression and anxiety. My facebook suggested posts kept coming up with ads of Trichotillomania so i bit and did more research on it and everything listed was me to a T and i learned that its actually very common. Doing the research has made me reflect on my life and what could have triggered the depression and anxiety and let me tell you as a kid it was BULLYING!!!! Yes sweet little ol' me was bullied! Well how were you bullied and why did it traumatize you is what you may be thinking and well let me just telling you!
-6th grade I would always wear my hair curly and one day someone threw worms in my hair at recess and they all fell out when i was in class.
-6th grade, invited to stay the night with a girl, she made a msn messenger for me to turn around and act like me to where older girls were following me, threatening me, and being mean to me.
-6th grade, I was invited to a sleepover birthday party. The day of party was fine then the next day the group of girls ganged up on me and STONED me with walnuts. I was just invited so they could be mean to me
-6th grade i had a huge mole on the side of my face and a boy decided to repeatedly stabbed it with a lead pencil
-9th grade, Abusive relationship
-10th grade, Told repeatedly i would be raped if i didn't have sex with then boyfriend
All of this bullying lead to suicidal attempts. Out in my dad's shop there was a loft and by the loft was the garage door rod and when i had a bad bullying day at school, i would get home and go in the shop and look up at the rod and think to myself if it would hold me if i jumped. I also would get high off gasoline in my dads shop and one day life was horrible i got so high that i looked up and all i saw was my dads silhouette running toward me. But here i am alive.
My depression was also triggered high in 2015, my husband was in a different country and i was in Washington. Between 2015 and 2019, he went down a bad path that left me questioning my existence and where i stood in our relationship. So many times i should have just taken the kids and left but when you've been a stay at home mom for so many years what do you lean on?
The point of this out of whack blog post is SELF LOVE. Find your worth. Im almost 30 years old and i'm just barely trying my hardest to put myself first and love myself. I'm barely learning how to handle and live with depression and anxiety so i can be a better mom and balance my life to where i'm happy. This isn't a post for sympathy or anything but i want someone to know that the struggles in your life are not permanent and there is help out there!!!
All of this bullying lead to suicidal attempts. Out in my dad's shop there was a loft and by the loft was the garage door rod and when i had a bad bullying day at school, i would get home and go in the shop and look up at the rod and think to myself if it would hold me if i jumped. I also would get high off gasoline in my dads shop and one day life was horrible i got so high that i looked up and all i saw was my dads silhouette running toward me. But here i am alive.
My depression was also triggered high in 2015, my husband was in a different country and i was in Washington. Between 2015 and 2019, he went down a bad path that left me questioning my existence and where i stood in our relationship. So many times i should have just taken the kids and left but when you've been a stay at home mom for so many years what do you lean on?
The point of this out of whack blog post is SELF LOVE. Find your worth. Im almost 30 years old and i'm just barely trying my hardest to put myself first and love myself. I'm barely learning how to handle and live with depression and anxiety so i can be a better mom and balance my life to where i'm happy. This isn't a post for sympathy or anything but i want someone to know that the struggles in your life are not permanent and there is help out there!!!
Hey Ash, you are definitely not alone. There are more people out there dealing with some of the same issues you are. Me included. It’s hard to let others know that you feel the way you feel and keep a smile on the outside. With respect to hair, I have twisted my hair my whole life...yes, 55 yrs worth and in the same spot. It breaks off and I have to have my hairdresser try to make it blend in. Yes, it’s noticeable, but I can’t see it...lol. Just want you to know Auntie is here if you ever need a ear to talk to ! Love you all so much!
ReplyDeleteThis takes a lot of strength to share!
ReplyDeleteI do think your words will help somebody.
I am sorry you've been struggling with all of this for a long time. 💜💜